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2017.01/03(Tue)

The Dilemma

Recently I've met a situation that caught me in huge dilemma.
And worse is I have no one who has a neutral view on it to talk with.
Thats why I am penning my thoughts here, which hopefully helps T___T


First, a selfie of my little monster and me!
He is now coming to 9 months old in another week or so.
And it has come to the cross junction for me to make a decision.
To send him to childcare or not to?

So here's the story,
Initially, before we got married, I was certain that I can care for my own baby.
So we planned and worked towards sustaining life with only one income.
And I am proud to say, we are doing very well so far, we even managed to save!

My first 3 months of being a SAHM (stay at home mum) was horrific.
I almost broke down, but picked myself up with great helps around me.
Now everything (especially physical stuffs) has gone on track, new problem arise.


My little monster now sticks to me like glue!
Everyone tells me that's because I am his main care taker, ok I agree.
He is extremely insecure, he cries like he's being abused if I just turn my back.
He can be happily playing with his toys when le hubs put him to play area...
But cries so hard the moment he spots me! And what everyone says?
Babies are like that... that... doesnt really solve anything I think.
Because he behaves like this and only to me! I have a really hard time doing chores.
Now, people will tell me chores arent important and the baby is, but but...
I have a husband working hard enough outside and I would be this lazy shit
if I even leave plates and pots for him to clear for me or wash the laundry.
I am not the lucky person who's husband is the favourite son to have help from MIL
Nor am I lucky enough to hold a job that could pay my 4k earning mum to take care of him.
Also no luck with threatening my MIL to quit her 20years job just to help me like some thick skinned selfish human did.

I need to do chores
I need to at least cook for my baby
I need to pee and shit


But I cant because my baby relies on me way too much then normal.
Look at his frantic crying just because he was left to play in his cot for 5mins?
I am starting to feel it's not good for him because my time for him is not quality.
We had SIL's helper over for a week last month and my baby learnt how to crawl with helper's guidance.
I was surprised because with me, my son only wants to be on me and refuses to even sit beside me on his playmat.
Then on a few occasions I found him enjoying his toys with another companion as long as it is not me.


So I guessed that maybe going to an infant care would do him good.
I know this is gravely debatable and I would just lose my point cause you know...
Some parents (esp mums on forums) nowadays are crazy!
Like really cray cray! :(


But infant care was not only thought of now~
When he was this tiny, 2 months old, I had already put him on waiting list.
Back then was only because I couldnt handle this whole new life in general.
Now that I think of IFC again, is based on a thought that it will be better for my baby.
I have no idea how this little monster develop such insecurities.
I don't think it's normal to cry like going into fits just because I dont carry him.
Thou, I agree that my care for him is the best I can ever give, but is that truly enough?

I am also aware of the cons of sending my baby to an IFC.
He would fall sick often, he would have divided attention, he might get bullied.
But I am determined to not raise my child into the new durian generation.
And so my husband says I should overlook these and 既来之则安之!
Which is, we'll deal with it when it comes, the problems~
So now what is bothering me? I guess the comments that I would get~
How should I justify myself and be proud of my decision to send him into IFC?
Hais, I am just this stubborn pool of shit, I always feel the need to justify!
Just like my decision for elective csec! I die die dont wanna lie to outsiders
who doesn't support elective csec and want to stand up for my decision!
End up I had myself feeling stressful about how to counter
every negative comments that came straight at me about this decision~


Then, I am also slightly reluctant to wean my baby off latching for breastmilk.
No fathers would understand this thou, it's a bond only mums would feel for.
It would be hard and tiring to change and adapt all over again too.

I am in such dilemma.
What should I do that is best? Hmmm.


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